Category Archives: Funny

Tales of a Drunk: Halloween In Uni

Halloween, like many holidays in the United Kingdom is a fantastic opportunity for people to dress as their favourite characters and drink until they can no longer see. So during my first year at University, I did just that.

I was invited to a house party by some people I barely knew. I decided to dress as Bane from the summer blockbuster; The Dark Knight Rises. It was an alright costume made on a small university student budget, but I received many compliments that I can’t remember. This story is why I cannot remember.

My friends and I had some drinks at our little student flat before stumbling through the bustling city and down the dodgy streets of Monks Road before reaching the house party. We walked through the door, introduced ourselves and our costumes to the other party goers before heading to kitchen to have a few more drinks.

A few hours into the party, I was starting to feel my vodka consumption once again hit me like an 18-wheeler. I was rather drunk, I stumbled around the party, danced with some strangers and partook in many cringeworthy Halloween selfies.

Suddenly two party goers come out of the kitchen carrying a 4-litre bottle, they claim they have created the most vile cocktail known to man, containing numerous spirits and beverages that no sane individual should ever consume together. I decided to have a few glasses and state to all around me that it was not as bad as everyone thought.

The next thing I know, I wake in my room the following afternoon with no recollection of what happened for the rest of that night. Apparently, I was dragged home by a friend, said hello to everyone who crossed our paths and tackled my friend into a puddle. There is a video of these events, I pray to God that the video is never shown to anybody ever.

 

Tales of a Drunk: My First Night Out

I had recently turned 18, and that meant it was finally time for me to put my age to use, by heading out into my town of Aberystwyth to drink as much as I could, knowing I could do so completely legally.

My friends and I sauntered down to a pub called Rummers to indulge in a weekly event called Vodka Tuesday, where for some bizarre reason, the entirety of Aberystwyth decides to cut the price of Vodka to the price of a packet of Wotsits.

We started drinking, continued drinking and then carried on drinking. Completely unaware to the unique quirk of Vokda, that it tends to take effect on the drinker all at once. At this point I had already consumed roughly 20 shots of it, completely amazed at my ability to drink this amount yet not feel the adverse effects. That is, until a friend of mine suggested we move on elsewhere.

We took a step out of the pub and felt the breeze of the fresh air. Tt was at this moment I had realised that those 20 shots, were a large amount alcohol to consume. My legs felt like jelly and my voice slurred more than a modern-era Sylvester Stallone impersonator. I decided to do the responsible thing and walk home, at least I thought I did.

In reality. My recent indulgence into the Russian red label caused me to pass out on a grassy knoll located next to the local pet shop. The next thing I know I am up on my feet talking to the local police. They claim I am drunk, I disagree, they claim I have sick down my shirt, I also disagree. They take me home. My mother was not pleased.

“Happy New Year, let’s make it a good one!” – Predictions for 2015

Yep that’s my title for this article. Why? Because as soon as midnight came along it was all anybody really wanted to say. When New Years Day happens; as it does every year, we as a people are filled with great joy that the end of our date has a new number, we believe that all the problems 2014 had will just go away. It’s like being a fan of the Sonic the Hedgehog series. You hear about a new one, get excited and become hopeful that it will be a reform to the good old ways but when it’s released; you realise it’s still the same broken mess it has been for 10 years.

Let’s be honest, the New Year will be like every other year. The world’s problems will continue and we will all moan and groan until the next new year comes along; of which we can sing and cheer in the hopes it will be any better.

Enough of the downer nonsense, let’s start speculating events that will hopefully occur in the new year.

Justin Bieber’s Public Mental Breakdown:
We sure do enjoy it when a celebrity has a mental breakdown, those who we previously considered to be gods amongst the people are suddenly seen as mere mortals and worse; they are seen as nutters. Too be honest; it couldn’t happen to a worse speck of human faeces.
He’s been heading ever closer to the point of breakdown throughout the years, as he grows older; he acts like more of a child. He gets in a temper when things don’t go his way, he treats his loving fans awfully and in general, he spends most of his year at the height of controversy whilst news outlets constantly call him a “bad influence”.
When the breakdown happens, the media will react how it usually does; they won’t stop bothering him because there is nothing more interesting than a breakdown. The constant media attention will make the breakdown worse. The public will then say that the media caused the initial breakdown, the media will back off.
The best reaction will be from his fans, who will all decide to have mental breakdowns of their own simply so ‘the Beebz’ doesn’t have to go through it alone, thus beginning the devolution of an entire generation of children.
Whilst all this happens; Justin will be in his penthouse, walls singed from numerous fires, floors covered in vomit and in the middle of the room will be Justin; stood in nothing but his tattered Calvin Kleins as he makes a small fort made completely out of police warrants, newspaper articles of his breakdown and a notice informing him that his private jet is being taken away.

For One day only; Back to The Future Part II get’s everything right.
Even though we’re only in the second day of 2015, one of the most talked about subjects is Back to the Future Part 2. People joke about how weird things look in Back to the Future’s future compared to the life we all lead today. The simple answer is because it is a movie, if Marty arrived in 2015 and it was just like 1985 except people stared deeply at the tiny screens they have in the palm of their hands whilst they tweet about their weird obsession with Game of Thrones, the film would have probably landed on the dull side.
Suddenly, something strange happens. On October 21st 2015 (The date Marty travels to), all is revealed that the Back to the Future part 2 2015 is what we had been living in all along, but the world wanted it to be a surprise for when we were taken out of the Matrix. We’ll all wake up on this day and Spielberg will announce a box set featuring 14 new Jaws films with the 19th instalment to be released for Christmas. Hoverboards will exist but will be banned due to the amount of deaths caused by them. Also every H&M, Primark and Next store will be stocked full of weird neon and reflective clothing that will be compulsory to wear. Anyone not wearing these clothes will be taken Essex which has now been turned into a maximum security prison.
There will be a new online awareness trend
Yes, we had the ice bucket challenge last year to raise awareness of ALS. First it was a lovely sight but it soon become a big vanity project for people to show off whilst pretending to try and do something good. When you realise that it just becomes another subject matter to completely bloat your social network news feeds that makes you groan just at the sight of another one.
Well that will be coming back in 2015, look forward to it; because it’s going to be far more hardcore than a measly amount of cold water poured over you. There will be blood. Instead we will cut off fingers for prostate cancer awareness. There is no real connection between the two things but as soon as one popular celebrity does it; we’ll all jump on the bandwagon.
The video will be heart-warming, whole families getting together with butcher knives chopping off a finger; heck, why not two? You have 8 of those bastards.
You’ll probably join in as well, any reason to get more likes and retweets on something you made. Who knows, maybe the first person to do it will be Justin Bieber; which can then become the beginning of his mental breakdown.

That’ll be it for 2015, yeah we’ll still have our usual slosh of news that we have every day, but we have those three particular things to look forward to. So grab yourself a drink, gather around your loved ones and buckle up; 2015 might be that year you were hoping for.

It most likely won’t.

Black Friday : Battle Royale

The United Kingdom taking on elements of American culture is becoming quite a common thing. Heck, we have taken on Halloween from Americans, Yellow Buses and even HBO. We see something American and suddenly we want it. They just seem so gosh darn interesting with their talk of freedom and their love of guns and Fresh Prince of Bel Air, fascinating stuff.

The same has happened with Black Friday, an American National Day where people devolve to their most primitive and begin to hunt, but instead of hunting for food, warmth or resources; they hunt for great bargains and they don’t care who gets in their way. Anybody who’s not them is the enemy. It’s pretty much like Battle Royal but less enjoyable for everybody involved. Except those who watch it.

Though the origins of Black Friday stem from another American Holiday; Thanksgiving Day. The wondrous holiday where the Pilgrims and Native Americans sat down together and enjoyed a delightful harvest feast… and then the Pilgrims royally dicks the Natives, it’s a delightful story with almost fairytale-like consequences.

Warms my heart.

Though we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, it had nothing to do with us, so for us to celebrate Black Friday seems more than a little pointless.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have a consumerist day before Christmas that causes us to run out in masses and strike down our fellow man simply because the new PlayStation 4 is £15 cheaper than it was the day before. It’s a brilliant boost for the economy and it’s absolutely hilarious to watch footage of the madness from the comfort of your warm home. It’s like watching the end of the world from the surface of the sun. Cosy.

Though I’m saying if we do have it, make it more for us. Here in the UK we have plenty of moments in history where we did something truly terrible, why don’t we use one of those days? We can have a day of brutal methods of shopping AND a day where we stuff our faces with too much food. How could anybody fault that?

Though the name would have to go. After a nicely named holiday such as Thanksgiving, following it with a day like Black Friday makes it sound a tad sinister. Every time I hear Black Friday it simply reminds me of the Battle at the Black Gate from Return of the King, and looking at some of the shopping footage, it looks very close to the mark.

Personally I believe ‘Shouty, stabby shopping day’ sounds much nicer, it rolls off the tongue and it lets you know exactly what you’re getting into.

Oh well, the sinister Friday is done for another year and we can all look forward to Christmas and then the Christmas sales; where mankind as a whole will collapse at the very sight of the Next Boxing Day Sale.

Too Awkward To Tinder

We live in the technological age where you can do essentially everything from your computer, you can talk to your friends, watch a movie and even kill your friends in a virtual world, all from the comfort of your own home. What a time to be alive, right?
A new ability has arisen from the information age, the ability to meet those sexy singles in your area without contracting a computer virus (though you may catch something else ifyouknowwhatImean? No? OK).

This is due to the creation of casual dating apps such as tinder (or grinder). On this app you browse through a gallery of faces and decide whether or not you would like to get to know the person attached to that face. If you both decide you have likeable and visually pleasing faces, you are thrown into a chat. Tinder is essentially the tech age of that weird matchmaker friend everyone has where they run around the party trying to find your perfect match. Or speed dating, except you don’t have to leave the house and admit you do speed dating.

It sounds pretty simple. As a single man in his early 20’s you would think it would be perfect for me, and it probably is. Though for some reason I can’t bring myself to ever use it.

Is it me trying to retain dignity? maybe, though if you know me, you’ll know dignity is not an issue. I do believe it is fear. The fact is, that when you remove the prospects of tinder, it becomes an online butchers, only the best looking cuts get snatched up whilst the weird ones get thrown into the dustbins at the end of the day to be left for neighbourhood cats. Everything is based on looks, it is a relationship in the most superficial form, and if that’s the case then I’m up shit creek without a paddle unless somebody happens to find the hell spawn of Ray Romano and David Mitchell to be their type.

If you do get past that first hurdle then you are thrown into a chat, a chat where first impressions are absolutely everything. Seriously, you need to be creative with your introduction. You can’t just start the conversation with a simple “Hi”.

Hi? Anyone can say Hi, you unimaginative prick!

I’m not what I would consider to be a shy man, but I do consider myself to be a man who’s brain goes to mush when under pressure in these situations. Seriously, it’s not pretty.

Actually, come to think of it, it may have something to do with pride. Going to a form of online dating feels like a retreat from real world interactions. I don’t blame those who do it, I mean we now live in a world where trying to strike conversation on the street is considered harassment, so meeting people in the real world is restricted to the more gentlemanly method of drunkenly grinding against somebody in a dark, sweaty club, because that method definitely isn’t harassment, but the former most certainly is.

I feel like I have been defeated if I choose to use tinder due to hearing how easy it is from friends. “You just chat to them and then meet them”.

I guess the simplicity in itself is scary, if you screw it up, you look like the mayor of Moronsville. The people will stop and they will point as they shout “He can’t even tinder right, it’s easy but he still fucked it up.” As you stand there with your pants around your ankles, sweating profusely with embarrassment… And…and I forgot where I was going with that one.

Sorry.

Nobody Gives a Shit! Click Here to Find Out Why! (Fighting Back Against BuzzFeed)

*This week I write about how infuriating clickbait/buzzfeed articles are and how social media is changing for the worse.

Well it seems I have fooled you, this isn’t one of those clickbait articles full of gifs of your favourite sitcoms followed by a caption about things you can all relate to, instead it’s an article about my distain for these articles and how they are clogging up people’s Facebook timelines.

Yes there is the age old argument of “If you don’t like it, don’t read it” and you’re right, I don’t read them because once you have read one, you have essentially read them all, except replace some gifs with a different set of gifs and give it a title like “This cat stands on a piano AND WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!”

There’s also the obscene amounts of “which (insert popular TV show/Film) character are you?” which everyone takes in an attempt to make themselves more interesting by associating themselves with a fictional character on a public level.

Facebook used to be the website where we would post interesting statuses or pictures from our nights out and parties to assure the rest of the world that we are actually interesting. Instead, the popular way to show how exciting you are is by posting content from other websites and by taking character quizzes, we can’t even be interesting with our own lives any more so we hide it behind a wall of silly pictures and shit.

Perhaps I’m being slightly over the top, you still see people talking about their lives and posting pictures of the fun things they do, but it’s starting to become noticeably fewer and further between, whilst poor attempts of journalism (like this one) clog up the rest of the timelines.

Facebook isn’t alone in this situation; Twitter has also began to morph into a horrible mess in comparison to the social media platform it once was. We still have our usual tweets of people trying to squeeze a unique moment of their lives into 140 characters, these used to be separated by the odd ‘suggested’ tweet which was actually an advert in disguise. Now it’s a bit different, every time people buy things they have to tweet the company to let them know they are wearing/using it in the hopes for a sweet, sweet retweet. If this trend to gain more Twitter followers continues, we will turn Twitter from being the online ‘Yelling at the clouds Simulator’ to the internet equivalent of an advert break.

Perhaps I’m going crazy, perhaps you haven’t noticed it on your Facebook, that’s probably because you’re friends with interesting people.

 

 

I Thought About Starting a Tumblr Once. Once.

In this post I bitch about social media pages, despite being a part of a literal fuck-ton of them.

I must admit, I’m a slave to social media. I use the term ‘slave’ because it’s essentially doing work, you work to create a profile, to make friends and to make yourself known to the lovely conglomerate of strangers that is the internet; and in return you get nothing, except another time waster.

I’m a slave to a lot of social media sites, I have my Facebook as a personal ‘get to know me and everything about me’ page, an Instagram as my ‘let’s pretend I’m a professional photographer and not a wanker with a Smartphone’ page, a LinkedIn so people can see I actually have a professional life and also a Twitter; a page where I mainly complain and give snippy little remarks as if I was a popular girl in secondary school (I’m not). Hell, even this blog is considered a social media page, except I don’t act social on it, I write roughly 500 words of nonsense and then I leave it for a few weeks.

A few weeks ago I considered signing up to Tumblr, for those who don’t know; Tumblr is a website for people to make their own personal blog web page and post silly gifs, pictures and fan art from their favourite bit of media (I say bit of media because it would take forever to go through all forms of media covered by this site)… oh, also a bit of actual blogging takes place.

I was originally going to create a page simply to whore this blog out to another variant of social media in the hopes that people will actually read it. I was also going to make it a more personal blog, like a small diary of some of the things I’m working on and events of my life (perhaps I was a bit quick to shut down that ‘teenage girl’ analogy.).

In the end I decided not to, because I realised that Tumblr has not been an actual blogging website for years, people don’t visit it to hear about the problems of others or to read an intriguing article on the media (which to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever written, despite trying). I’ve visited a few Tumblr pages in my time on the internet and it has always consisted of one thing: Fandoms… and tits, I guess that’s two things.

Fandoms are basically the love of a TV show, film, character or even person to an uncomfortable extreme; and Tumblr is full of this.

The best way I could describe Tumblr is that it feels like going to a convention for something you know nothing about, you walk around aimlessly whilst everyone around you talks about a little in joke about a character or about how they “can’t even” (whatever that means). It can be entertaining to watch but at the end of the day, you’re just wandering around aimlessly, scared and alone… That’s life.

Did I Just?! I did.

Though Tumblr is not all bad, it actually features a gaggle of creative people, people who take their fandom and turn it into art or literature or music, you can see some great unique creativity on tumblr… also there is a tumblr page dedicated completely pictures of kittens and pictures of tits, so it’s essentially a tumblr plage to sum up the entirety of the internet. That’s dedication.

In conclusion, I don’t think I will get a Tumblr page, though I’m a fan of certain things, there is no Fandom I can see myself taking part in, I can lurk but I won’t touch. That and I don’t find that my content would be suitable for Tumblr mainly because it’s all in writing, if I ever release an article made entirely of .gifs, then perhaps I will but due to my lack of creativity and unique talent, I think I’ll just stick with the rest of the literal fuck-ton of social media sites that I’m part of because as Tumblr goes, I can’t get into it.

I guess I really can’t even.

MrGseff