Yep that’s my title for this article. Why? Because as soon as midnight came along it was all anybody really wanted to say. When New Years Day happens; as it does every year, we as a people are filled with great joy that the end of our date has a new number, we believe that all the problems 2014 had will just go away. It’s like being a fan of the Sonic the Hedgehog series. You hear about a new one, get excited and become hopeful that it will be a reform to the good old ways but when it’s released; you realise it’s still the same broken mess it has been for 10 years.
Let’s be honest, the New Year will be like every other year. The world’s problems will continue and we will all moan and groan until the next new year comes along; of which we can sing and cheer in the hopes it will be any better.
Enough of the downer nonsense, let’s start speculating events that will hopefully occur in the new year.
Justin Bieber’s Public Mental Breakdown:
We sure do enjoy it when a celebrity has a mental breakdown, those who we previously considered to be gods amongst the people are suddenly seen as mere mortals and worse; they are seen as nutters. Too be honest; it couldn’t happen to a worse speck of human faeces.
He’s been heading ever closer to the point of breakdown throughout the years, as he grows older; he acts like more of a child. He gets in a temper when things don’t go his way, he treats his loving fans awfully and in general, he spends most of his year at the height of controversy whilst news outlets constantly call him a “bad influence”.
When the breakdown happens, the media will react how it usually does; they won’t stop bothering him because there is nothing more interesting than a breakdown. The constant media attention will make the breakdown worse. The public will then say that the media caused the initial breakdown, the media will back off.
The best reaction will be from his fans, who will all decide to have mental breakdowns of their own simply so ‘the Beebz’ doesn’t have to go through it alone, thus beginning the devolution of an entire generation of children.
Whilst all this happens; Justin will be in his penthouse, walls singed from numerous fires, floors covered in vomit and in the middle of the room will be Justin; stood in nothing but his tattered Calvin Kleins as he makes a small fort made completely out of police warrants, newspaper articles of his breakdown and a notice informing him that his private jet is being taken away.
For One day only; Back to The Future Part II get’s everything right.
Even though we’re only in the second day of 2015, one of the most talked about subjects is Back to the Future Part 2. People joke about how weird things look in Back to the Future’s future compared to the life we all lead today. The simple answer is because it is a movie, if Marty arrived in 2015 and it was just like 1985 except people stared deeply at the tiny screens they have in the palm of their hands whilst they tweet about their weird obsession with Game of Thrones, the film would have probably landed on the dull side.
Suddenly, something strange happens. On October 21st 2015 (The date Marty travels to), all is revealed that the Back to the Future part 2 2015 is what we had been living in all along, but the world wanted it to be a surprise for when we were taken out of the Matrix. We’ll all wake up on this day and Spielberg will announce a box set featuring 14 new Jaws films with the 19th instalment to be released for Christmas. Hoverboards will exist but will be banned due to the amount of deaths caused by them. Also every H&M, Primark and Next store will be stocked full of weird neon and reflective clothing that will be compulsory to wear. Anyone not wearing these clothes will be taken Essex which has now been turned into a maximum security prison.
There will be a new online awareness trend
Yes, we had the ice bucket challenge last year to raise awareness of ALS. First it was a lovely sight but it soon become a big vanity project for people to show off whilst pretending to try and do something good. When you realise that it just becomes another subject matter to completely bloat your social network news feeds that makes you groan just at the sight of another one.
Well that will be coming back in 2015, look forward to it; because it’s going to be far more hardcore than a measly amount of cold water poured over you. There will be blood. Instead we will cut off fingers for prostate cancer awareness. There is no real connection between the two things but as soon as one popular celebrity does it; we’ll all jump on the bandwagon.
The video will be heart-warming, whole families getting together with butcher knives chopping off a finger; heck, why not two? You have 8 of those bastards.
You’ll probably join in as well, any reason to get more likes and retweets on something you made. Who knows, maybe the first person to do it will be Justin Bieber; which can then become the beginning of his mental breakdown.
That’ll be it for 2015, yeah we’ll still have our usual slosh of news that we have every day, but we have those three particular things to look forward to. So grab yourself a drink, gather around your loved ones and buckle up; 2015 might be that year you were hoping for.
It most likely won’t.